xz (troublonia) wrote in vicflicks,

how much wanky?

my father-in-law sent me a DVD in the mail. just a surprise gift! it's called Wholephin and it's made by the McSweeny's guys.

i've only watched some of it, but some if it is good. like Sour Death Balls. that's good. some of it is wanky. like Home, James and Don't Spare the Horses.

on the whole i find it works like this:

%wanky = #credits / appearances by charlie sheen or bruce campbell

it's a simple formula and one that, perhaps, needs some fine tuning.

for example, children of men was quite satisfying and good and not really wanky at all, yet there were a bunch of credits and only a little bit of charlie sheen (he was one of the burning cow corpses). so maybe i need to add something to the formula?

W = (C / M) x (CG / CS) x PC

W = how much Wanky
C = number of Credits
P = number of credits you can skip without Missing anything
CG = number of CG characters who might be jar jar binks
CS = screen time Charlie Sheen gets to pretend he is a serious actor
PC = number of Phil Collins songs involved

i think that's tighter. so, for example, in children of men there were quite a few credits but if you stopped watching once they started (even the TITLE didn't run until the end of the film!) you missed nothing. there were no phil collins songs, one CG baby with minimal screen time (i think) and just that brief shot of charlie sheen as the burning cow resulting in:

2% = (422 / 421 ) x (1 / 1) x 0

basically, the film ends, it says "Children of Men" so you need to stay that long to find out if you walked into the right movie, but then, it's good to go. not very wanky at all.

and what do we learn from this?

that i should not attempt math.

or science.

and that really, i'm sure your mother is very proud that you're the post-production accountant but if she doesn't know already, she's probably not going to find out by reading the credits.

because they're wanky.

in other news, i think ze frank is hilarious.
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